Flashlights: Because eating ice cream in the dark is hard.

The thing about being an imaginary adult, is that I have this ID that says I am, in fact, legally one. It gets a little sketchy when I am invited to do adult things. Such as drinking. I think there should be some definite signs in these situations that someone is not an adult, they only look like one. Some examples, by locations:
                                                             

                                               Liquor store

Don't get carded as soon as you walk into the liquor store. I've been over 21 for a minute now and the last time I went in there the guy looked at me, and let me browse without carding me immediately upon entering the store. I welled up with pride at my victory!! Then my mom called and my purse starts blaring the Harry Potter theme song. Got carded right there and then. 

Don't answer your phone "MOOOMMMMMM, you're getting me caaaarded at the liquor stoooore!!!!" at the liquor store.

Don't drive your liquor store purchase over to your brother's place of employment, hand it to your brother's boss and tell them you're just dropping off his lunch. 

                                            Las Vegas

Don't go to Las Vegas. Ever. That place is meant for the real big kids. You cannot handle drinking that much and sleeping that little. Besides. The creeps can smell your naivety. Before you know it you are standing on some ledge throwing money. You don't speak creep honey, get down from there. 

            "I just had a margarita with a Guinness float out of a mason jar"
            "why?!"
            "It seemed like a good idea at the time" #vegas

Don't order a mimosa and a smallish bump of coke for breakfast as a joke. It's Las Vegas, and you get what you ask for.

                                             Weddings

Don't get drunk at a wedding reception, feel sad about being dateless and then marry a guy in the wedding party.
"Wait, what is my new last name?!?!"
  It only makes future events between you, le boyfriend and said guy awkward.
"Hello, this is le boyfriend, le boyfriend this, is my husband. "
I mean, when you're are all having dinner together and you comment that you did not grab a napkin, they are gonna stand up at the same time to get you one and then shit's gonna get real weird. 

Plus interstate annulments are hard. This gem should also be remembered in the Vegas category for friends who marry cab drivers. Lookin at you Sasha. Lookin at you. 

                                            Life au general

Don't accept the next round "on the house" from your favorite restaurant.You're a lightweight, and when they are buying the drinks it's a sign you have already had enough.

Don't try to high jump that hotel marquee. Just don't.  

Don't explain why you keep flashlights in the kitchen after you have had a glass of wine. Emergency preparedness? I hadn't thought of that....

Snoop Dog and the introduction of MJ

By now, I am sure that you have all heard the life changing news. The news that Snoop Dogg, fresh off a rasta inspired chronic induced series of bad decisions has decided to fuck with my life in a way that is probably indescribable to the average lay person. Not you all of course, having the sneaky inside scoop on my life and secrets. But there it was. I open up my web browser one Monday morning and an article pops up- Snoop Dogg changes his name.
To Snoop Lion.
 Leaving me with this face.

Are you fucking serious Snoop? After all the shit you put me through? I mean, rapping about my everyday life in real time, which oftentimes results in me repeating what you are saying and getting me in MASSIVE amounts of trouble in the workplace. Because Snoop speech doesn't belong in the office. Because when I'm speaking with an associate and I absently repeat Snoop in the corner saying I have to get off the phone to eat my motherfucking lunch people are NOT impressed. Then they are definitely going to bring it up later in court, because people are assholes. And now Snoop, so are you.

Listen, it's not personal. I am just not good with change. I have a brother who had been called by his middle name until he hit middle school, then all of a sudden wanted to be called by his first name. Not happening. He is twenty fucking three now and I'm still not going for it. I got news for you homie, your first name is stupid. That's why we called you by your middle name. Same problem here but in reverse Snoop. What in the fuck rhymes with lion?

In other, less angry news, it is time to introduce Michael Jackson. Well, it is not actually Michael Jackson. But his initials are MJ. I am pretty sure he will rise to the same level of fame as Michael Jackson though, due to the publicity this thing gets.  I know I drew pictures of my other friends, but I am not going to draw a picture of my friend MJ.
 Because it would look really racist.
 If you need a visual just picture Shaft. It is semi relevant because my friend MJ is a cop. A super bad ass one. He pretty much fights crime, shoots bad motherfuckers and takes names. Like all officers, he does take the occasional nap and does enjoy pastries (of the doughnut variety) but mostly he is chasing criminals and hanging upside down to kiss Elizabeth, Spider-man style. I know what you guys are thinking, but Elizabeth just had a baby! Yeah, it's because that Spidey cop got her pregnant! I mean, he wooed her like 5 years and married her first.  But MJ is Elizabeth's husband. MJ is like a brother to me, a bad ass brother with a piece who didn't ask me to start calling him by another name after 12 years or so (looking at you Daylin, lookin at you). We have fun talking about life in the day, back when we had to cook everything with rice and eat our meals without drinks before getting bit by radioactive spiders and fighting crime. Now you can get off my ass MJ. You're welcome.




And I leave you with this picture of baby dog, helping write this blog.

Fake Burrito Hell

The thing about blogging is, it is a responsibility. And the thing about responsibilities is that they are really better handled by adults. And the thing about that is.... (insert blog title here).

I know it's been a while, but I thought I would hop on for a quick visit to tell you about baby dog's first camping trip. So last weekend, le boyfriend had a rugby tournament in Jackson Hole and we had this REALLY brilliant idea. We thought it would be so fun if we took the dogs with us to Jackson and camped all weekend (read, we cant afford a hotel room in Jackson Hole).

So we packed up everything we needed, and then le boyfriend, baby dog, old lady dog and myself hopped in my volkswagon and we were on our way. It was a tight squeeze, but we made it. When baby dog saw a horse, she freaked out and hated it. "Horses cant be trusted." The first time the baby dog saw a moose (well actually 3 moose, a whole moose family) she was like, "Eh, what else is around here?" And that is how we learned that baby dog is a horrible judge of character. We got to camp and started setting up and here is the thing. Le boyfriend and I don't camp on the regular. I mean we can camp, actually if you need testimony to believe my level of skill regarding wilderness survival just ask Meredith and her husband (wilderness survival game, Seattle cabin style). But we don't camp often, so we are not exactly professionals at it. We got to camp late and had to set up everything in the dark, and cook our delicious dinner of frozen hot dogs in a puny ass fire who refused to get bigger. Puny ass fire. And I was the only one in my boy scout troop who could light a one match fire! Yeah, I was in boy scouts. That's another story. Anyways we are scrambling to set up in the cold and dark and old lady dog who has been camping her whole life (we went all the time growing up, but I never had to set up camp, hello I was a kid) sat there and judged us the whole time. I was cursing over the fire, I look over and she is like, "you're doing that wrong." I tell  you what, old lady dog is fucking pretentious.

We get in our tent and le boyfriend only bagged mummy bags. Mummy bags! Can you believe that shit!? Here is a fun fact about this guy, I hate mummy bags. A.) I love feeling like I can't move all night B.) that shit is not real fabric. It is like a fake fabric burrito hell. First thing I did as a kid when my family would camp, I would walk in the tent (already set up mind you) and zip my sleeping bag to my mothers. I fucking freeze when I sleep in my bed in my house, so you can imagine the sub zero hell I go through when I am in a tent in the mountains. Also, if I need to pee in the middle of the night, and your sleeping bag is zipped to your moms, you can kick that lady until she wakes up so you don't have to be eaten by some mountainous creature in the dark. Because everyone knows no mountainous creature will eat you in the dark if your mom is around. Mountainous creatures are respectful like that. So I get in my mummy bag, and old lady dog decides she is going to sleep on my shins, completely eliminating my ability to roll over for the rest of the night. Meanwhile, baby dog looks at me and le boyfriend like,
"are you guys shitting me?
 I get to sleep in here with you guys?
On your bed?
Is this a joke?
You are joking me aren't you?"

You see, baby dog has her own room at our house, where she happily sleeps in her crate and away from us so her babyness wont bother us and our humaness wont bother her.  It's called mutal respect, try that shit. After much cajoling, baby dog finally plopped down to sleep for the night on my face. le boyfriend rolled around all night in his mummy bag feeling the freedom of an entire three fourths of an air mattress, while I layed quietly in one position all night in my fake fabric burrito hell.

List of things you shouldn't do while undercover in adulthood.

Hey there! Man, it was my goal to post at least once a month but I got freaking busy- you know, all the humming Harry Potter and being confused. Plus Elizabeth and Meredith had their babys! And they are so cute! As my friends launch further into adulthood, I got yelled by homeless people and slept under a bridge.

 But here it is, another blog post. I decided to write a list of helpful  things people should know so they do not attempt them while living as an outlaw in adulthood.  Being an adult is a very complicated process and there are a number of things you can do that will announce your ruse, and throw away, in my case, years of hard work blending in to the adult world. This list is by no means comprehensive, just a list of tried and true ways to blow your cover.

 So here is a short list of some things that you should not do if you are living in adulthood, as an outlaw such as myself: 

1.Do not examine your cleavage in your office, even when you just noticed that this shirt does make some handsome cleavage appear if you really look. Because just then your office mate will walk in to tell you something and catch you peering down your own shirt. Adults are weird about that.

2.Also, don't attempt anything smart on Thursdays. 

3.Oh and check your emails before you send them there speed freak, no one likes the idea that just "pooped" into your head. 

4. Resist the urge to talk back to Snoop Dogg, even when he weaves smart ass comments into his raps about what you are doing in your life. 

5. Actually, just don't talk out loud at all in your office. You know your propensity for saying stupid things and your administrative assistant WILL be uncomfortable when she hears you say exclaim loudly after trying to use your paper shredder "I feel like a clumsy virgin using this thing."

6. When speaking to officers about using a supplement form for precursors of domestic violence don't make make the analogy, "you don't just fill it out when you know she is being abused, you need to fill it out every time there is a chance. It is like wearing a condom!" -that makes adults uncomfortable.

7.Don't listen to "Nigga's in Paris" at work.

8. Don't attempt anything in the kitchen that has more than 5 steps. 

9. Don't have conversations with your dog where anyone can hear you, because even le boyfriend wanders out of the other room to give you a look when you and your dog are talking about her status as a quaker and how that informs her decision to religiously abstain from fighting in wars. As well as coming to le boyfriend's aid when you decide to sneak attack him and you are obviously the better wrestler. 

10. Don't touch things that are breakable. 

11. Don't answer the phone, Yo dawg.

12. Don't hide under the half partitions typical in the courthouse and jump up to surprise computer services Steve. Because he will never.ever. forget that you did that. 

Just don't do them.   

Hello there! In this post I wanted to introduce to you to some of the important people in my life!


I will start by introducing you to some of my friends. Not all of my friends, of course, because that would take FOREVER. I have so many friends. Because I am so awesome. I have to fend people off all the time. Like, no I can't be friends with you right now, I am very busy! Not really. I have an average amount of friends, probably, and they are important because they take such good care of me! Sometimes I think it must be really hard to be my friend, because I can be really exhausting, like having twin infants and a puppy and trying to get legal immigration status exhausting. But they are still my friends anyways, they should get awards. I drew you pictures of them so you can picture them when I mention them in future posts. They are quite true to life drawings, so if you see them around you can recognize them and say hello!

This is my friend Anise. She is my oldest friend. Not like, she is old. She has known me longer than anyone.

This is my friend Bud. She pretty much is awesome. She saves my life all the time, and now she is going to school to save lives. I should have written her a recommendation letter, I write her pretty good ones. You should ask her about it sometime.

This is my friend Elizabeth. She is probably my most grown up friend. She does all this grown up stuff. It is impressive. I get tired if I try to think of all the grown up stuff she accomplishes. AND she is going to be a mom soon, crazy right?

My friend Meredith is growing a baby. She talks me off ledges all the time. She also gives really good advice like, stop getting on ledges. Sigh.

My friend Julie Ann generally goes along with my ideas. She is a smart friend, but I am tricky see, because my ideas sound harmless in the beginning... Before she knows it- dangerous!

Sasha moves at the speed of light. I am pretty sure she will run the world one day. And look fabulous doing it. She was in the running for being my most grown up friend, but then I thought of how much justin bieber we listened to the last time we were together.

Kimmi can high kick like a mofo. See picture.

This is le boyfriend. He is pretty cool, I guess. He lives here with me, how grown up right?! His mustache does not really look like that, it looks more like this.

He does not really speak french either. We have two dogs! I would draw them too, but drawing people is hard. I can only imagine stick dogs would be harder. And they would look all sickly and someone would call animal control and be like- "you guys need to take those dogs away, you should see how horrible they look!"  Because someone would not understand they were stick dogs like the stick people above them. Some readers are assholes like that. Not you though obviously. Anyways we have a old lady dog and a tiny baby puppy. In fact my tiny baby puppy is asleep on my lap right now, she wrote Meredith's profile first it said. bokjahdfkjjjjj;;;jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjiuo0. But I didn't think that described Meredith very well. 

Look, a Blog!

Hello friends!

I have started a blog.

< it looks like this>

The title of my blog, is Adventures in Imaginary Adulthood, by me- Danika Westcoast.
I call it that because I have a secret. Well it is not a secret for those of you who know me. But for all those people who may stumble upon this blog,  it will be a secret for you. And that is kind of exciting.


I am a fraud.

I don't mean to be. It just sort of happened. You see, I am not really an adult, I am an outlaw. Bad ass I know. As with all outlaws, it is tough getting by. But I fall back on my tremendous acting skills and try to just play the part on weekdays, from 9-5. (If I am being really honest here, the hours vary). And I didn't mean to become an outlaw. I didn't just wake up one day with some wish to become a martyr in a land full of people I barely understand. But here I am. People treat me like an adult, most of the time, and I have all sorts of responsibilities. REALLY grown up responsibilities. But, all the while, in my head I know the truth. Sometimes, I get really really good at playing my role, sometimes I even forget I am acting. There I am swooshing around saying grown up things, having people take me seriously when all of a sudden, I am required to complete a grown up task and internally I falter. Totally bringing me back to the reality that I live in imaginary adulthood, not real adulthood. Sometimes, my acting leaves much to be desired and I have to make up some embarrassing excuse as to why I appear so un-adultlike today such as, "sorry guys. My teeth hurt. That's why I no form the sentences so good like I usually do."Then I walk away quickly like my grown up responsibilities are calling me so I don't have to answer follow up questions like, why do your teeth hurt? Or why would that stop your brain from working?

Here are some indications that my adulthood is imaginary: I work in a courthouse and when I see the judges walk around in their robes, I hear the Harry Potter theme song. Not only do I hear it, I hum it. Out loud. When they talk. I imagine them whipping out their wands and dueling in the hallways. The whole time they are talking to me, all I hear is: expecto patronum! and, lets get out of this bloody hell and get some butterbeer, shall we? Needless to say, it is a pretty big job barrier. I am sure the judges are telling me really important things too, I just have no idea what it is because I am not really an adult. I know it must be hard for them too, because they look annoyed at the girl who is humming and staring right through them with an idiotic grin on her face. Sometimes they try talking louder. Which only results in me humming louder. Vicious circle, really.


Another reason is Snoop Dogg. Yeah. Snoop Dogg. I don't know when it started. But it has really gone back as far as I can remember. I hear Snoop Dogg rap everything that happens in my daily life. All day, it is like he sits in the corner of whatever room I am in rapping about my life. I know it's hard to imagine, because I rarely get into gangster rap battles, shoot at any police with my nine,  or roll fat blunts with my homies but he still raps about it anyways. He doesn't stop there either, he raps about what I am thinking or about what I am doing in my day. Sometimes he evens asks me questions, or gives a little side commentary to my life. Today for example, he was rapping about my court training. Which is pretty dry material, but he does it anyways. Enter, rapping about my thoughts, such as: I am getting so fucking bored in here, I wish I could pinterest but I know I would get caught and my outlaw days would over. OR, God that woman over there is getting so annoying I wish she would shut up. Enter asking me questions, why don't you just tell that lady to shut the fuck up dawg?
Sigh, I just cant d o double g. It would blow my cover. Snoop Dogg nearly gets me in trouble daily.

I know this may sound confusing. But is is hard to explain everything at once. I am hoping as a few more blogs go by, things will make more sense. I will introduce you to my friends, family and dog! I will tell you about my life! I will use exclamation points! So stay tuned...