Hey there! Man, it was my goal to post at least once a month but I got freaking busy- you know, all the humming Harry Potter and being confused. Plus Elizabeth and Meredith had their babys! And they are so cute! As my friends launch further into adulthood, I got yelled by homeless people and slept under a bridge.
But here it is, another blog post. I decided to write a list of helpful things people should know so they do not attempt them while living as an outlaw in adulthood. Being an adult is a very complicated process and there are a number of things you can do that will announce your ruse, and throw away, in my case, years of hard work blending in to the adult world. This list is by no means comprehensive, just a list of tried and true ways to blow your cover.
So here is a short
list of some things that you should not do if you
are living in adulthood, as an outlaw such as myself:
1.Do not examine your cleavage in your office, even when you just noticed that this shirt does make some handsome cleavage appear if you really look. Because just then your office mate will walk in to tell you something and catch you peering down your own shirt. Adults are weird about that.
2.Also, don't attempt anything smart on Thursdays.
3.Oh and check your emails before you send them there speed freak, no one likes the idea that just "pooped" into your head.
4. Resist the urge to talk back to Snoop Dogg, even when he weaves smart ass comments into his raps about what you are doing in your life.
5. Actually, just don't talk out loud at all in your office. You know your propensity for saying stupid things and your administrative assistant WILL be uncomfortable when she hears you say exclaim loudly after trying to use your paper shredder "I feel like a clumsy virgin using this thing."
6. When speaking to officers about using a supplement form for precursors of domestic violence don't make make the analogy, "you don't just fill it out when you know she is being abused, you need to fill it out every time there is a chance. It is like wearing a condom!" -that makes adults uncomfortable.
7.Don't listen to "Nigga's in Paris" at work.
8. Don't attempt anything in the kitchen that has more than 5 steps.
9. Don't have conversations with your dog where anyone can hear you, because even le boyfriend wanders out of the other room to give you a look when you and your dog are talking about her status as a quaker and how that informs her decision to religiously abstain from fighting in wars. As well as coming to le boyfriend's aid when you decide to sneak attack him and you are obviously the better wrestler.
10. Don't touch things that are breakable.
11. Don't answer the phone, Yo dawg.
12. Don't hide under the half partitions typical in the courthouse and jump up to surprise computer services Steve. Because he will never.ever. forget that you did that.
Just don't do them.
